apologies for not posting on friday like usual. i came home and felt not a drip of enthusiasm for anything. not eating, not staring at stupid celebrity websites, not blog-posting, not sewing, not even movie-watching, not even drinking. not even sleeping. i wanted to do nothing. not even nothing. i just felt like i'd been pushing past what i could handle, and there was even an absence of nothing left. i watched half of a very sad, very unredeeming, depressing movie. nightmares. bad sleep. awoke disconnected. but slowly, through cleaning and walking and being too mean and snappy and having to tame myself, i feel back. not inspired to do anything per se, but at least not vacant of even vacancy. what do other people do when they feel that way? it passed. but the saturday was much wasted, alas. i once heard a story of a mother who sighed absentemindedly to her son that another day was wasted and nothing was done and he said in all his earnestness that no, she did a lot today, she found his lego man under his bed. that is heroic. did i do anything heroic today, even in the eyes of my dog? i suppose in the eyes of my dog, yes.

and then hemmed the chiffon of the wedding dress. on friday i drew a dead hamster pinned with dressmaker pins. ah, optimism, happiness. i was just trying to talk about everyday loss, but try to explain that to my mother.