uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

sick today. actually, for real. headache, sore throat, blah blah, barf, blah blah. slept in the afternoon. got myself a milkshake for my throat, poor me. and chicken soup.

it makes me think maybe _that's_ why i've been feeling so depressed about my state of being in the world lately. maybe that's why i've been feeling listless and unenergized, maybe i've been under the weather. oh! that makes sense.

because i started fearing yesterday that life after grad school will be endless and bleak and i won't know how to fill my time and no please no don't make me get a 9-5 job, not if i don't want it, and don't make me try to control screaming 8-year-olds in an elementary school art class, please no. please don't make me graduate and all the hopes of the great things i might make be only hopes. and other such existential crises that left me unable to lick envelopes for the wedding, unable to sew the hemline of the wedding dress, unable to draw one more dressmaker pin and its shadow.

and this new paper i bought, it's expensive and beautiful but it comes in a roll and it won't uncoil and everytime i try, it hits me in the head and push pins go flying and it gets bent and ruined. which is what happened so much today that with my sore throat etc. and the danger of push pins i ended up in actual tears every five minutes or so. and you can't cry when you're not allowed to have a studio door to cover you, and people kept shuffling down the studio hall and i wanted no one to bother me and really my drawing was pretty horrible today, so i left. i drove home whimpering, fell asleep with my beautiful dog sleeping next to me, and here i am, feeling glad to be doing nothing and for once not feeling bad about it. and indulging in a milkshake and for once not feeling bad about that, either.